When I think about my life...

When I think about my life, I remember that hope was my mainstay. It was there from the beginning and lay dormant throughout my marriage. At the beginning, I told myself that hope was all I needed. As long as I remained positive good things would happen. I would fall to my knees and pray to the God I knew would fix it all. My husband remains a charismatic individual that nobody would ever guess was a controlling Lord of the Manner individual. I had to ask to spend the money I made. If I can impart any bit of knowledge to any woman straight or gay, I would say NEVER HAVE A JOINT ACCOUNT! Sharing bills are a must but it can be done having your own separate accounts. Controlling money, whether it is expecting receipts for everything or dominating what and where the money is being spent is control and is absolutely domestic abuse. Leaping backward to God, I must say that I thought he was dead. That sounds horrible, but I was so angry. I spent the earliest part of my marriage being the bread winner for the family (even though I wasn’t allowed to spend money or save money the way I wanted). He would have a job and get fired, and it was always the employers fault. Then he finally got a job making $10/hour, which had me working 2-3 jobs. There was a period of 3 years that I worked for myself as an independent provider, and 2 separate home health agencies. The second home health agency I chose to do, and informed him that the money would be saved for me and the kids for vacations. That never happened. I initially took that money out of the bank, and he literally threw a fit. I went back to school to get my RN and got money from school loans. I stupidly thought he’d leave that money alone, but he didn’t. After he stole my school money twice, I finally went to the bank and as I was talking to the banker I cried and explained everything. To this day, the only people on the account are me and my mom. I remember doing a project in school and it was a final for a beginners computer class. Anyway, I needed to know our finances because we were creating a spreadsheet for the class. He wouldn’t give me access or knowledge to any of the money. Fast forward six months. I was going to a winter lights festival with the kids. He was working this festival. He had this beautiful smile. The one that melted my heart and made happy in the beginning, but this time the smile was towards his coworker. I honestly thought they were sleeping together. The next day I was off. While he was at work I went through everything on his desk, and like a bright beacon of light there was a hidden bank account with 10K in it. The money I knew I made but was nowhere to be found sitting on his desk. He literally embezzled money from his wife. I wanted a divorce, but my parents wouldn’t help me until I went through marriage counseling. His charisma shined through. I was blinded by what I thought was going to be our fresh start, but it was a smoke screen. He couldn’t lose his cash cow. Had he taken even 1/4 of what he gave to coworkers and strangers to his family, perhaps life would’ve been different. Then there’s me. I wanted so desperately to be loved that I accepted it all. We never went out except for the once a year obligatory anniversary date. I wasn’t as have never been a wife; I was the cook, the maid, and the whore. I to this day just feel deep seeded shame for allowing any of this, but I’ve learned through therapy that I was a victim of abuse. It wasn’t physical abuse so I didn’t recognize it. God, who had been MIA started showing up all of the time. I believe that you can literally feel the spirit of God’s presence. I was not amused and would scream out to God to go away. I was so angry. I blamed God for my failing loveless marriage. Nobody deserves that existence. I spent 16 years of my life in a prison. A marital prison. I had no confidence and no self worth. One day, a seed was inadvertently planted. I went to see a concert with a friend. Slowly but surely my confidence returned. I’m not sure what happened, but I just woke up one day and realized I was attracted to women, but had no clue what to think or do about that. For once in my life, things made sense. God was never absent. God was always there answering my prayers. His answer was No. God is big enough to take all the yelling and denying and still continue to love us just how we are, and even if we are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. I believe that other people experience similar life events, and If my raw truth helps even one person, then that creates the energy that powers the hope we all so desperately need.

—As always, thank you for being a part of this journey~Nikki